Haul out the Hooey
Well, it happened, dear readers. I was out in a big box store minding my own shopperly bidness, when I heard the most dreaded, four-note sequence known to the American shopper in the months of November and December: that cutesy little ba-dum-bum-bum walk-down from the V to II just before Brenda Lee, whose voice I’m pretty sure was robotically engineered by the corporate overlords of holiday shopping to sound like Christmas Kool-Aid incarnate (artificial, over-sweet, and dispensed by the gallon), launches into what I can only think of anymore as a sonic weapon of mass destruction: “Jingle bell, jingle bell, jingle bell…” Can’t we just all agree that the song should start using the more experentially appropriate lyrics “jingle hell” or simply never be played again, ever?
Since that’s unlikely to happen, it’s once again time for me to provide my annual pre-Christmas warning about the crappiness of holiday music, which I first complained about several years ago.
It’s only November 29 and I’m already sick to death of “Jingle Bell Rock” and Burle Ives and “White Christmas” and the Ray Conniff Singers (”let’s all sing in unison everybody!”). Hasn’t anyone realized that there are only so many ways to rearrange “Silent Night” and “We Three Kings” before the songs collapse under their own threadbare weight? The state of Christmas music - Christian and secular - is atrocious.
The entire post is here. Don’t you say you weren’t warned.
Here’s to seriously hoping all this bad music doesn’t keep you from having a Happy Thanksgiving!
Update: Reader NG tsk-tsks me for failing to acknowledge Bob Dylan’s recent Christmas music corrective, Christmas in the Heart. I haven’t heard it and probably won’t rush out (digitally speaking) to get it. That’s not because it may not be very good (the clips on Amazon are sort of … perplexing, but Dylan’s is not a voice that excerpts well either), but because a)Bob Dylan seems to be dangerously close to Robert DiNiro territory these days (always doing an ironic imitation of popular perceptions of Himself) and b)Christmas music is just too far gone for even a genius like Dylan to breath new life back into the skeletal remains of holiday standards.Email this Post